I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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