Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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