You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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