to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
