if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
