but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
