Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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