just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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