Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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