a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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