The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
