he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
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