Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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