Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
