Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
