I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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