I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf