Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
