3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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