literally had 100 drinks last night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Come on in and take your pants off
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