sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
