Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
