You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
