I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Everything about him screamed your future.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
