Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There r osticjed everywhere
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
