Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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