After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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