If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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