Ketchup is God's man juice
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
