I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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