They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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