You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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