Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
