Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
