I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
