Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
