my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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