Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
