Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Use "feeling words"
Yay
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
