I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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