I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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