her vagina looked like bernie madoff
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
wow bdsm is so cute
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
