i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
