my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
