I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
