Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
