he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
