'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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