is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
