my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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