dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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