He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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