I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
