Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
