totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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