I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
