i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
