The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
