i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
