i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
