another moral hangover. fuck.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
