You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
