i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
