Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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