I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
