why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
