Screwed.edu
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
